The Holidays and the other random days of the year!

Your grief comes and goes, it hits at weird and inappropriate times too. As I was sitting in class and watching the Family Stone, there's a point in the movie where one by one the children start to realize that their mom is dieing. Usually I am not an emotional person, but it just hit me hard. The movie takes place around Christmas, and watching all the children come home and spending time together, just rubbed me wrong. I began to choke up as I thought how I wouldn't be able to share completely in that joy, that there will always be something missing from my holidays.

It is not the first time that I have been hit by that realization, but something about that moment in the film just really hit home. I sat there trying to choke back that emotions that were starting to rise to the surface. I was em,embarrassed and uncomfortable and thought about leaving class, because I was not sure that I could handle it. I hate that vulnerable feeling that comes out of nowhere it is so awkward, you really just do not know what to do with yourself.

After leaving class I was just in this awful trans like mode, where I assume I will be for a good majority of the rest of the day. Yes, it definitely puts a damper on your plans. Wouldn't it be nice if you could map these freak moments out on a calendar so it wouldn't interrupt your plans? It would work so much better for myself!

Of course to it is that ti me of year, the holiday season brings great joy, but often a sentimental remembrance that makes you edgy and upset on occasion. I can now almost pinpoint the day this period begins and ends. It's funny how over the years that you become so in tune with your emotional state that you can predict feelings sometimes and then years later out of no where this god awful break down comes in. I think it is a matter of accepting that you will have your good and bad days and it is just a matter of learning how to live with them. I wish I had a mapped out calendar of days you should be aware of, but unfortunately life is not that easy!

This will be my last post for my class. But I do plan on checking to see if anyone has showed interest in it afterward, so please if you need to voice the frustrations in your life please do so here. As this is always a shoulder to lean on and someone to vent to.

Thank you,

Chelsey

"How are they?" After they are gone.

Sometimes it is awkward when people you haven't seen in years ask how someone is, this is after they have died and that person has no clue yet. I had a dental assistant start crying over me! How about you? Share your awkward moments, they can end up being funny!

Different forms of Loss

There are many kinds of loss in this world. The loss of a family member or friend to death, the loss of a pet or even a job sometimes. Loss can be in death or in separation from that person or place. Some losses seem worse than others, until it happens to you.

I think one of the hardest losses for me, was when I lost my best friend. She didn't die, but a situation took her from me and we were never able to talk again. The pain of knowing that she was not in my life any longer, but still on this earth made it worse than a loss to death for me. I wanted nothing more than to see her and for everything to be normal again, and knowing that she was going on with her life and I was just stuck grieving from it just killed me.

Loss comes in so many forms that I think you would find it interesting just how many other people are out there grieving over the loss of someone or something and feel just as alone as you do.

Pushing Rewind

Pushing Rewind

I wish that time could just rewind

Taking us back to the laughter

That use to fill the days of happiness

Sometimes my heart pounds with hurt

In a fatal blink, you were gone

Your wings taking you home where you belong

Trying not to be so selfish missing you

For now you sing in the chorus of angels

Watching from the kingdom up above

You came to serve, so many you did

That day the whole world mourned

When their mother Teresa passed

Ending this scene, but not the movie

I look forward to the grand finale

When we’ll meet once again.

Having to Remember all the Details

When you originally lose someone you think about them everyday. Your life is kind of consumed with that, maybe because you feel like if you do not you may forget them. As time goes on that slowly starts to sit further back in your thoughts, it is no longer a priority in your day. Out of no where you realize that you did not stop to think about that person yesterday. You panic and feel horrible and almost punish yourself mentally and emotionally because you are placing more importance in other things.

This is a completely normal and all just part of the process. In all actuality you will never be able to forget that person because they are forever imprinted into your memories and life. Sure you may sometimes forget the joke that you two always laughed at, stories that were told, but the person remains a part of you forever.

After my mom died I was afraid too of forgetting every detail about her. Those were the only things I had left and I never wanted to forget a single thing. An obvious piece of advice I received was to start writing all the moments and memories, with painful details in a book. This way you will never forget and can later revisit them when you are not thinking clear or lose track. Looking back I wish I would have stuck with that more. There are things I find hard to remember, but I do not punish myself for forgetting them. It is just a part of life and though the details mean a lot, the person means more.

Living, One Year After

Living, One Year After is a poem I wrote for my poetry class in high school. I ended up reading this to the class exactly one year after my mom's death. Many in the class new her and were crying, which made me feel awkward as I did not like showing my emotions in public. I was doing OK and when others would fall apart I just didn't know what to do. I thought why did I have to comfort others over my moms death I'm fine why aren't they? But, through my grieving process I found that writing was a huge outlet for my frustrations, anger, sadness, it helped to see everything on paper. Maybe it is physically being able to see what you are feeling that helps, whatever it was it helped pull my thoughts together.

Living, One Year After

Sitting here I flash back exactly one year ago

To the horror and pain that flooded my body

All of us standing around your bed letting you go.

I go back six days before, when you left for surgery

Too consumed in my own life, not even a goodbye

I slept in the warmth of my bed, while you on a cold table

Waiting outside for you to wake up, not knowing the outcome

With an absent minded mistake, your life they took away

Depriving the world of a comedian, hero, nurse, friend, and mom

As sirens approached an odd fear overwhelmed my heart

As I thought of yesterdays shopping trip, coffee, and chats

Not possibly imagining that they would be our very last

The following days were a blur, as people came and went

I sat at your bedside doing your hair, rubbing your hand

Looking at pictures kids had sent, everyone thinking of you

While in my morn my head held high as I cared for everyone too

Running on fumes I just hoped and prayed that I could be like you

Not as strong was I, but I tried to fill your outstanding shoes

Until that day, one week past that we had to call your last

Everyone bedside holding on as the nurse pulled the plug

It took 20 minutes for your heart to let go, ours are still saying no

But strong I hold not letting you down, ever so firm I stand

For me to hold on would be nothing short of selfish

Because today, one year after I know you're smiling down.

Help Others, But Start with Yourself

When you lose someone in your family, automatically you try to fill the void. That emptiness feels weird and foreign, it is very uncomfortable. It's hard to pin point this feeling in the middle of grief, but in retrospect you start to understand why you did certain things and said what you did. Although you may be feeling like you are useful and really helping those around you, you also have to be very careful. It's easy to lose yourself and enable others. It is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done was to stop playing mom, wife, sister, and daughter. When I should have concentrated on being the best sister and daughter possible and spent a little more time on me. It sounds selfish, but to help others you need to be able to heel yourself first!