Pushing Rewind

Pushing Rewind

I wish that time could just rewind

Taking us back to the laughter

That use to fill the days of happiness

Sometimes my heart pounds with hurt

In a fatal blink, you were gone

Your wings taking you home where you belong

Trying not to be so selfish missing you

For now you sing in the chorus of angels

Watching from the kingdom up above

You came to serve, so many you did

That day the whole world mourned

When their mother Teresa passed

Ending this scene, but not the movie

I look forward to the grand finale

When we’ll meet once again.

Having to Remember all the Details

When you originally lose someone you think about them everyday. Your life is kind of consumed with that, maybe because you feel like if you do not you may forget them. As time goes on that slowly starts to sit further back in your thoughts, it is no longer a priority in your day. Out of no where you realize that you did not stop to think about that person yesterday. You panic and feel horrible and almost punish yourself mentally and emotionally because you are placing more importance in other things.

This is a completely normal and all just part of the process. In all actuality you will never be able to forget that person because they are forever imprinted into your memories and life. Sure you may sometimes forget the joke that you two always laughed at, stories that were told, but the person remains a part of you forever.

After my mom died I was afraid too of forgetting every detail about her. Those were the only things I had left and I never wanted to forget a single thing. An obvious piece of advice I received was to start writing all the moments and memories, with painful details in a book. This way you will never forget and can later revisit them when you are not thinking clear or lose track. Looking back I wish I would have stuck with that more. There are things I find hard to remember, but I do not punish myself for forgetting them. It is just a part of life and though the details mean a lot, the person means more.

Living, One Year After

Living, One Year After is a poem I wrote for my poetry class in high school. I ended up reading this to the class exactly one year after my mom's death. Many in the class new her and were crying, which made me feel awkward as I did not like showing my emotions in public. I was doing OK and when others would fall apart I just didn't know what to do. I thought why did I have to comfort others over my moms death I'm fine why aren't they? But, through my grieving process I found that writing was a huge outlet for my frustrations, anger, sadness, it helped to see everything on paper. Maybe it is physically being able to see what you are feeling that helps, whatever it was it helped pull my thoughts together.

Living, One Year After

Sitting here I flash back exactly one year ago

To the horror and pain that flooded my body

All of us standing around your bed letting you go.

I go back six days before, when you left for surgery

Too consumed in my own life, not even a goodbye

I slept in the warmth of my bed, while you on a cold table

Waiting outside for you to wake up, not knowing the outcome

With an absent minded mistake, your life they took away

Depriving the world of a comedian, hero, nurse, friend, and mom

As sirens approached an odd fear overwhelmed my heart

As I thought of yesterdays shopping trip, coffee, and chats

Not possibly imagining that they would be our very last

The following days were a blur, as people came and went

I sat at your bedside doing your hair, rubbing your hand

Looking at pictures kids had sent, everyone thinking of you

While in my morn my head held high as I cared for everyone too

Running on fumes I just hoped and prayed that I could be like you

Not as strong was I, but I tried to fill your outstanding shoes

Until that day, one week past that we had to call your last

Everyone bedside holding on as the nurse pulled the plug

It took 20 minutes for your heart to let go, ours are still saying no

But strong I hold not letting you down, ever so firm I stand

For me to hold on would be nothing short of selfish

Because today, one year after I know you're smiling down.